Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, 
your kingdom come, 
your will be done 
on earth as it is in heaven. 
Give us today our daily bread. 
Forgive us our debts, 
as we also have forgiven our debtors. 
And lead us not into temptation, 
but deliver us from the evil one. –Matthew 6:9-13

I am an analytical person. I think about all the possibilities, the permutations, the psychology, the mentality, the strategies, the tactics in the things I take part in. Thinking about what happened that Saturday, I couldn’t really get it out of my head. Always thinking about all the possible options that I could have taken. The plays that I could have made. The mistakes I made. The error that sealed up what could have been. When you’re so close to doing something incredible, only to suffer and fall to the hands of defeat. It’s that feeling that you really never want to feel.

I had been in a rut for a couple of weeks now. A few weeks back, I was in a tournament. What kind of tournament wasn’t really important, but the fact of the matter was that there was one that I took part in and depending on my finish, I could have played in nationals. That’s all I’ll say. I had spent a few weeks preparing for it, with a specific mindset and strategy in hand to only audible and change my strategy entirely. It was a huge gamble, but I felt it was worth it given the conditions and knowledge that I had about my competition.

So I come in to the venue, nervous but ready. For a guy that hadn’t been on the tournament scene for a couple of years, it felt like I hadn’t left. The competitors that were there, the people I knew, the overall feel was just there. Then the tournament began.

I started playing and I had won… and again… and again… and eventually made it four straight rounds. I had to admit, I was rather surprised at where I was at. I was on a bit of a high. Then I came back down to Earth and lost for the first time that day before winning my sixth round. Standings showed that I was in fourth place overall with two rounds left. What needed to happen was win and I would be in. One win.

The nerves were getting to me. To be so close to accomplishing something so big would have been a huge achievement for me. But as I was waiting for my next match, I just sat down and started praying. My prayer was simple: “God, just let Your will be done with all this. Let Your will be done.” I kept repeating this over and over to myself.

Then I received my match-up. We played. Things didn’t go as I had hoped. I started struggling to get through, my nervousness started to get me flustered and make mistakes. I started losing. And then the error. The one error that cost me everything. I had a chance, but the error left me with no chance at coming back. I was in complete disbelief and shock at myself. A self-inflicted error. I tried to keep my composure during the game to prevent sending any sort of tell to my opponent. But it didn’t matter. I lost and was out of the running.

I finished the last round and ended up 24th in the standings. It was my second best performance ever, but the more I thought about it, the more the thoughts of what I could have done kept winding through my head. “What if I did this? What if I didn’t make that error? What would have happened if I had won my first six matches?” Just all these thoughts of what could have been… I drive home eventually after dinner with some friends that went, thinking. I started writing and putting down my thoughts and analyzing what happened. Just being so close, yet missing out in the end.

I didn’t go to church the next day because I was thinking so much that night that was what ultimately got me to finally sleep. But that day, as I got up, I started thinking specifically about that prayer that I had: For God’s will to be done. That was a bitter pill to really swallow. The only thought was, “I guess it wasn’t meant to be, I guess.” It was pretty hard to accept such a fate. I’m a very competitive person. The craving for success is a major part of who I am. To accept second-best is something I’m not really accustomed to, yet I’ve had so many times during my life where I had just fallen short of achieving something that I really wanted. Winning that one championship, finishing among the elite, earning respect among my peers and competition.

As I thought about it more and more, to not make it to nationals was what God wanted for me. What would have happened had I qualified? What kind of person would I had been? Who would have I credited for my success? I probably would have looked to myself rather than God when I think about it. Attempting to self-glory. I thought about why I had wanted it… the only reasons were simply worldly things. Success. Respect. A title. And a chance at inflating my already huge ego even more. Maybe it was a way to stop me from coming to such a temptation. So maybe it was the best for me not to qualify for nationals. Rather than a character that was full of himself, it’s left a man humbled but understanding more and more that there was ultimately something better for him out of all of it. That was really what it was all about.

God’s will is probably one of those things that I struggle with. What I feel is best for me clashes a lot of the time with what God wants out of me. Yet, all I can really do is trust in what He desires for me. I could just trust myself all the time, but I know that’s only led to dispair and disappointment as seen in my past. I know that God knows what’s best for me though. He understands who I am, my qualities, my gifts, my strengths, and my weaknesses, far more than I might think I know. He feeds me the things that need at any very moment in time for the sake of my growth as a follower of Christ and an individual. I know that this disappointment is only temporary, for in the long run, it’s for something greater than I can’t even imagine.

“Your kingdom come, 
your will be done 
on earth as it is in heaven.”

These past two quarters of grad school have been quite an experience. When I say experience, I mean both good and bad. In the three classes that I’ve taken, I’ve learned a lot. I give a lot of credit to my instructor for her help and loyalty to her students in assisting them when they need it. If it wasn’t for her, I probably would be struggling a lot. It forced me to ask for help when I couldn’t figure out the answer. It made me think differently about syntax and about linguistics in general.

At the same time, it’s been a rough time, especially this past quarter. I don’t think I went a week without bitching and moaning about the problems that I encountered in the class. How do I set up this rule to ensure that these arguments are working? Are the semantics for this sentence correct? How do I implement these features in order to ensure that I get the full realization of the phenomena that I’m working with in my language? How do I make sure that this rule works without breaking this other rule? I think you can get the idea.

But over the past couple of months, it’s left me questioning a lot about what I’m doing.  I felt like I was a longshot to get in here in the first place, due to my lack of work experience in the field, my lack of professional experience in programming, and the fact that I had come from the university that I applied at. It felt like the odds were against me when I was waiting day by day to hear back from the admissions board. But when I got accepted into the program, I felt like this was the path I was suppose to take. Computational linguistics was the way for me to go.

As I started to take the core courses and electives, I felt a lot of pressure to do well. It wasn’t so much from my dad or anyone else. I wasn’t really sure where it came from, for that matter, but I knew it was there. Maybe it came from within. But the pressure to succeed and do well was there. In college, I could screw around, bullshit my papers and assignments, and still get a solid 3.7 or higher without any problems. However, in grad school, I knew I couldn’t get away with that. If I tried to go that route, it would show in my work and I would be punished for such laziness.

With each passing week, I always had this false confidence come over me. I thought I understood the material and knew what I was doing. I would do the assignments with what seemed to be relative ease. But when I met in my study group, my answers with everyone else’s were not always agreeing. I didn’t always listen though, simply because I thought I had the right idea. When I got my assignment back though, it wasn’t the result that I had ultimately wanted.

This didn’t just end after my first quarter though. It continued on. That false sense of understanding the material and content was still present. Maybe I wasn’t thorough enough with my studying and understanding. Maybe it was me not asking enough questions. Maybe it was my ego holding me back from asking questions and saying “You actually don’t understand”. I’m not exactly sure. But I started to ask myself that fearful question, “Why am I in this program in the first place? Why am I here?”

I still ask myself that question, even as I write this. I really don’t know. Yet, somehow, I’m still in the program. Somehow, I managed to survive last quarter and the endless hours and nights working on developing a grammar for a language that I have a fairly sub-standard understanding about… and actually do fairly well in, for that matter. It just doesn’t make sense to me why I am in this program.

Yet, I still am.

If you don’t know, I’m a Christian. I don’t believe in just random luck or chance that I got in. Even with this lowly feeling and lack of confidence, I know that for some reason (whether sick, humorous, or both), I’m in this program. One that I still don’t understand. Especially since my background was lacking considerably, it’s even more reason that there’s a purpose for why I’m there. God wanted me in this program (or at least made the board think I should be there or gave me some ridiculous skills during those few days when I did my application). I feel my skills are lacking. Yet, there must be quality (or qualities) that I must have that I fail to see in myself or yet to realize that got me into it all.

I just have to trust that I’m in there for a reason. Even if I don’t know why.

I was on the median just off Exit 32. Cars were speeding by, with no care or concern for the slick roads on the freeway. A new blanket of snow made it difficult to find some items that we were hoping to salvage. As I walked up and down trying to find random items for my friend, I tried to recall what happened the night before on that median, even though the new snow left no trace.

My friend and I were driving back home. As we got closer to the freeway, the roads were becoming more and more devoid of snow. We get onto the onramp when we saw a truck with its trailer parked to the side. So we went around.

But as we start to accelerate just a bit, we started to lose control. The back wheels lost traction and we begin to skid. The back of the car begins to tail and I can see traffic on the other side of the highway in front of me, as well as a truck in the far left lane, missing it it barely. We drive off the freeway and onto the median. Before I know it, I’m turning upside down in my seat, as the car flips over. I could hear glass shatter. Then there is complete silence as the car comes to a halt.

We were just sitting in our seats, upside down for a second. Both of us are yelling each other’s names and checking to see if each other is conscious and okay. Just out of instinct, I’m trying to find a way out of the car. I press the button to roll down the window. I start to crawl out and telling my friend to follow me out. Just as I start to get on my feet, I see people running over us yelling “Are you alright?!” My friend and I both tell them “Yes”. I look back at the vehicle. It’s on its roof, windshield destroyed, tires covered in grass and flat, lights still shining brightly into the ground.

I realize that surviving that accident wasn’t just pure luck. There were so many things going against us for not just one of us, but both of us to have survived. The conditions, the number of cars on that freeway, the lack of control, the way we came into the median, the SUV’s ability to handle such force on a flip, my head injuries from the past and the car landing on its roof. Our odds were against us. I still believe that it wasn’t luck, but rather God looking over both of us.

I know there’s hope. At the accident, my friend and I were just talking, in efforts to continue to remain calm through it all. But this continued thought of “There is a plan for you” kept coming up. Not just at the site, but from all the people I talked to about the accident. It was the recurring thought of the weekend. While many asked “Are you alright?”, the question going through my head was “Do you know where you should be going next in your walk?” I still am unsure of what that plan is for me or for my friend, but I know my job that God’s here in this world is still present and on-going. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be here right now, writing this up, thinking and wondering what is to come. Other thoughts and questions were brought up, but they all seemed to take second precedent to this question.

It’s been at least several days now since that evening. I’ve tried to get back into a rhythm of things, but it’s been difficult. I feel like I’ve constantly off a step compared to everything else around me. Less focus and command. Less confidence in the things I’ve been doing. More fatigue. More frustration. There isn’t anything I can really pinpoint to why this has been happening since the accident. I just know I haven’t been anything close to where I was before, physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually.

But maybe the fact that I haven’t been able to really get settled back to the norm is a good thing… As one friend was talking about it, it was as if I had died in that accident and been “reborn” as someone completely different. A rebirth, you could say. The start of a change or a completely changed life. Maybe that is the case… Maybe it’s just the matter of really searching deep within to find the true answers to my path and God’s will for me. Only patience and seeking Him with all my heart can really answer those questions.

As we drove back to the body shop, I managed to take a look at the vehicle that we had once sat in that fateful night. The windshield was still in ruins. The window that we crawled out of was still down, letting the rain and snow come into the once-nice interior. The roof was bent in towards the driver’s side of the car, while the passenger’s side was relatively intact. I was still in disbelief to how I came out unscathed. We went back to his house and I began what I hope to be the start of a slow revival to my new life. I started it by playing soccer and hanging out with friends and teammates. I played awful and left the field rather flustered by my performance.

But all I can really do was praise Him for all that He has done.

… I was driving back home from a friend’s house in Kirkland at around 4 am Friday morning. The drive itself left me thinking and frustrated about one of the things I did that day. But as I crossed the 520 bridge into Seattle, I took a look to my right to see a beautiful sight. Along the horizon, there was a sea of colors painted across the morning sky. It was a clash of the former night sky and the morning rise. The dark hues of blue fighting to remain as the lighter shades started to shine brightly. The plane of orange along the horizon prepared the sun for its glorious appearance to the city. As I saw this, I was just in awe. The sky was God’s canvas and all I could think was “That’s a beautiful painting, God. You never fail to amaze me with what you can do and what you’ve done and shown in my life…”

It was a little over two weeks ago when all the conferees at Mt. Hermon began their trek to their homes, with memories and thoughts of God’s game plan in mind. But as I start to reflect on all the amazing moments throughout that last week in June, it reminds me of one thing: It’s all about you, Lord. It’s always about you. When I made the commitment about a month ago to cabin lead at InterHigh, I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I began to have a lot of fears and worries start to take control of me. Will I be able to do this? Will I be able to handle that? Am I going to have to do this alone? I was concerned about my performance and leadership at camp… but that was the wrong mindset. It wasn’t about me first. It was about Christ. It was about God first.

As we walk along in our path in life, we’re walking into an unknown darkness that leaves us, at times, struggling with fear, worry, and temptation. Maybe it’s our grades, our relationships, or our careers. In a society where we’re so focused on individualism, we can easily become engulfed into thinking about ourselves and selfishness. We’re in a world where success is a means to survival and prosperity and instant gratification and sin are a way to personal, but temporary, happiness. These obstacles will always be scattered through our paths. And from there, we can succumb to those things… And it leaves us wondering and asking: where God was to get us out of that rut?

The answer is simple though… He was right behind us the entire time, waiting for us to turn around and call for Him.

During the week, I was reminded of Joshua and the battles he fought to regain Israel. There were a lot of actions that someone might think, “Why the heck am I doing this? Walk around the city this many times and look like a fool? Are you kidding me?” But Joshua didn’t. He wasn’t concerned about himself, he was doing what God told him to do and followed His will. As he did, cities fell, and Israel returned back to the control of his people. It was a matter of trusting God and God would fulfill His promise. He didn’t leave them stranded. Nor will He do the same to us. It’s important for us to get away from those thoughts of our own self-preservation, self-concern, and selfishness and to just say, “Christ, take me. Use me for your kingdom”…

When we say “Jesus isn’t a religion, but a relationship”, it’s exactly what it means. We don’t just go to church and small group every week and just read God’s Word everyday because we have to. It should be because we want to seek out a relationship with Him. Communicating with Him, glorifying Him in our everyday lives… but ultimately trusting Him and seeking His will. There is no relationship without those things in mind. Once we do, those once mountainous obstacles become anthills that we can just step over. It’s a matter of thinking about God and that it’s always putting Him before ourselves. He knows us better than we know ourselves. It reminds me of Psalm 37:3-7. When we commit ourselves to Him first, He will make something of the lives we live and see out our hopeful desires and dreams.

… As I got off the bridge and onto I-5, I thought about how much larger God is than my life. While I focused on myself and my concerns, I was left paranoid, in fear, and frustrated. But as I started to put more trust in Him, things started to work out and I could really start to see the works in His kingdom. As I thought about what I did that day, I realized the selfishness and the sin I committed towards my friend that day. I needed to look to Him to help me through the realization that I now had to deal with. While I was not happy with what I have on my hands now, I know that He loves me and He will provide for my needs. Rather than try to paint my own picture, I allow God to use me as His canvas to paint a picture of His love, His glory, and will for me for everyone else to see.

As I passed the UW exit, I looked up and I saw a cross shining brightly over the highway off the Calvary building. I smiled with a sense of relief. It was just another reminder of all the things He’s done for all of us and just how amazing a God He is.