Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, 
your kingdom come, 
your will be done 
on earth as it is in heaven. 
Give us today our daily bread. 
Forgive us our debts, 
as we also have forgiven our debtors. 
And lead us not into temptation, 
but deliver us from the evil one. –Matthew 6:9-13

I am an analytical person. I think about all the possibilities, the permutations, the psychology, the mentality, the strategies, the tactics in the things I take part in. Thinking about what happened that Saturday, I couldn’t really get it out of my head. Always thinking about all the possible options that I could have taken. The plays that I could have made. The mistakes I made. The error that sealed up what could have been. When you’re so close to doing something incredible, only to suffer and fall to the hands of defeat. It’s that feeling that you really never want to feel.

I had been in a rut for a couple of weeks now. A few weeks back, I was in a tournament. What kind of tournament wasn’t really important, but the fact of the matter was that there was one that I took part in and depending on my finish, I could have played in nationals. That’s all I’ll say. I had spent a few weeks preparing for it, with a specific mindset and strategy in hand to only audible and change my strategy entirely. It was a huge gamble, but I felt it was worth it given the conditions and knowledge that I had about my competition.

So I come in to the venue, nervous but ready. For a guy that hadn’t been on the tournament scene for a couple of years, it felt like I hadn’t left. The competitors that were there, the people I knew, the overall feel was just there. Then the tournament began.

I started playing and I had won… and again… and again… and eventually made it four straight rounds. I had to admit, I was rather surprised at where I was at. I was on a bit of a high. Then I came back down to Earth and lost for the first time that day before winning my sixth round. Standings showed that I was in fourth place overall with two rounds left. What needed to happen was win and I would be in. One win.

The nerves were getting to me. To be so close to accomplishing something so big would have been a huge achievement for me. But as I was waiting for my next match, I just sat down and started praying. My prayer was simple: “God, just let Your will be done with all this. Let Your will be done.” I kept repeating this over and over to myself.

Then I received my match-up. We played. Things didn’t go as I had hoped. I started struggling to get through, my nervousness started to get me flustered and make mistakes. I started losing. And then the error. The one error that cost me everything. I had a chance, but the error left me with no chance at coming back. I was in complete disbelief and shock at myself. A self-inflicted error. I tried to keep my composure during the game to prevent sending any sort of tell to my opponent. But it didn’t matter. I lost and was out of the running.

I finished the last round and ended up 24th in the standings. It was my second best performance ever, but the more I thought about it, the more the thoughts of what I could have done kept winding through my head. “What if I did this? What if I didn’t make that error? What would have happened if I had won my first six matches?” Just all these thoughts of what could have been… I drive home eventually after dinner with some friends that went, thinking. I started writing and putting down my thoughts and analyzing what happened. Just being so close, yet missing out in the end.

I didn’t go to church the next day because I was thinking so much that night that was what ultimately got me to finally sleep. But that day, as I got up, I started thinking specifically about that prayer that I had: For God’s will to be done. That was a bitter pill to really swallow. The only thought was, “I guess it wasn’t meant to be, I guess.” It was pretty hard to accept such a fate. I’m a very competitive person. The craving for success is a major part of who I am. To accept second-best is something I’m not really accustomed to, yet I’ve had so many times during my life where I had just fallen short of achieving something that I really wanted. Winning that one championship, finishing among the elite, earning respect among my peers and competition.

As I thought about it more and more, to not make it to nationals was what God wanted for me. What would have happened had I qualified? What kind of person would I had been? Who would have I credited for my success? I probably would have looked to myself rather than God when I think about it. Attempting to self-glory. I thought about why I had wanted it… the only reasons were simply worldly things. Success. Respect. A title. And a chance at inflating my already huge ego even more. Maybe it was a way to stop me from coming to such a temptation. So maybe it was the best for me not to qualify for nationals. Rather than a character that was full of himself, it’s left a man humbled but understanding more and more that there was ultimately something better for him out of all of it. That was really what it was all about.

God’s will is probably one of those things that I struggle with. What I feel is best for me clashes a lot of the time with what God wants out of me. Yet, all I can really do is trust in what He desires for me. I could just trust myself all the time, but I know that’s only led to dispair and disappointment as seen in my past. I know that God knows what’s best for me though. He understands who I am, my qualities, my gifts, my strengths, and my weaknesses, far more than I might think I know. He feeds me the things that need at any very moment in time for the sake of my growth as a follower of Christ and an individual. I know that this disappointment is only temporary, for in the long run, it’s for something greater than I can’t even imagine.

“Your kingdom come, 
your will be done 
on earth as it is in heaven.”

These past two quarters of grad school have been quite an experience. When I say experience, I mean both good and bad. In the three classes that I’ve taken, I’ve learned a lot. I give a lot of credit to my instructor for her help and loyalty to her students in assisting them when they need it. If it wasn’t for her, I probably would be struggling a lot. It forced me to ask for help when I couldn’t figure out the answer. It made me think differently about syntax and about linguistics in general.

At the same time, it’s been a rough time, especially this past quarter. I don’t think I went a week without bitching and moaning about the problems that I encountered in the class. How do I set up this rule to ensure that these arguments are working? Are the semantics for this sentence correct? How do I implement these features in order to ensure that I get the full realization of the phenomena that I’m working with in my language? How do I make sure that this rule works without breaking this other rule? I think you can get the idea.

But over the past couple of months, it’s left me questioning a lot about what I’m doing.  I felt like I was a longshot to get in here in the first place, due to my lack of work experience in the field, my lack of professional experience in programming, and the fact that I had come from the university that I applied at. It felt like the odds were against me when I was waiting day by day to hear back from the admissions board. But when I got accepted into the program, I felt like this was the path I was suppose to take. Computational linguistics was the way for me to go.

As I started to take the core courses and electives, I felt a lot of pressure to do well. It wasn’t so much from my dad or anyone else. I wasn’t really sure where it came from, for that matter, but I knew it was there. Maybe it came from within. But the pressure to succeed and do well was there. In college, I could screw around, bullshit my papers and assignments, and still get a solid 3.7 or higher without any problems. However, in grad school, I knew I couldn’t get away with that. If I tried to go that route, it would show in my work and I would be punished for such laziness.

With each passing week, I always had this false confidence come over me. I thought I understood the material and knew what I was doing. I would do the assignments with what seemed to be relative ease. But when I met in my study group, my answers with everyone else’s were not always agreeing. I didn’t always listen though, simply because I thought I had the right idea. When I got my assignment back though, it wasn’t the result that I had ultimately wanted.

This didn’t just end after my first quarter though. It continued on. That false sense of understanding the material and content was still present. Maybe I wasn’t thorough enough with my studying and understanding. Maybe it was me not asking enough questions. Maybe it was my ego holding me back from asking questions and saying “You actually don’t understand”. I’m not exactly sure. But I started to ask myself that fearful question, “Why am I in this program in the first place? Why am I here?”

I still ask myself that question, even as I write this. I really don’t know. Yet, somehow, I’m still in the program. Somehow, I managed to survive last quarter and the endless hours and nights working on developing a grammar for a language that I have a fairly sub-standard understanding about… and actually do fairly well in, for that matter. It just doesn’t make sense to me why I am in this program.

Yet, I still am.

If you don’t know, I’m a Christian. I don’t believe in just random luck or chance that I got in. Even with this lowly feeling and lack of confidence, I know that for some reason (whether sick, humorous, or both), I’m in this program. One that I still don’t understand. Especially since my background was lacking considerably, it’s even more reason that there’s a purpose for why I’m there. God wanted me in this program (or at least made the board think I should be there or gave me some ridiculous skills during those few days when I did my application). I feel my skills are lacking. Yet, there must be quality (or qualities) that I must have that I fail to see in myself or yet to realize that got me into it all.

I just have to trust that I’m in there for a reason. Even if I don’t know why.

Well, happy new year. It’s not only a new year, but a new decade too. A friend reminded me that we both had been around for four decades (80s, 90s, 00s, and now 10s). That’s beside the point. 2010 definitely has a lot of things coming. Two events that stick out to me are the Winter Olympics up in Vancouver is coming up quickly and the World Cup down in South Africa. But before looking forward, I felt it would be good to look back on 2009.

In 2009…

I learned what it felt like to not have control over my future, more than once.

I learned what it felt like to be in an accident that resulted in a car being a total loss. I also learned what it was like to be in that car that was totaled.

I learned how to give in to giving someone a second chance.

I learned how to write computer programs once again.

I learned how people and media all over the world can be so mesmerized over someone else’s death, despite not actually knowing them personally.

I watched arguably one of the best Super Bowl games that I’ve ever seen. I still remember what happened that night and had to take one of the trash talking words from an unlikely individual, only to see them go from see emotions of joy to emotions of shock.

I learned that even one of your most favorite players in sport can go from a loved figure to a villan over one play… May have been a big play, but regardless…

I learned that this year was not my year in fantasy sports…. Hopefully it will change in 2010.

I learned that maybe one of the best players in soccer overlooked is a diminutive little midfielder that’s playing for Barcelona.

I learned what it felt like to be in school again after taking a hiatus.

I also learned what it felt like again to have to study and work on assignments to the late hours of the night, only to get my paper back with a poor score. To learn what it was like to be humbled. That or what I thought was right was wrong and left completely confused.

I learned that almost ten years later… I still don’t like the Lakers… Or the Red Sox… Or the Yankees… Or the Patriots… Or either of the Giants.

I learned that love requires a lot of patience… A lot.

I learned again what it means to say that you’re a Christian… and what it means to actually live as a Christian.

I learned that Google Wave is by far one of the greatest innovations of 2009 that may pave the way for things to come.

I learned that as infallible as we might feel, whether physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually, we’re still fallible.

I learned that our future younger generation looks hopeful and optimistic.

I learned that as despicable as people can be, it can never overshadow the amazing things that people will do for one another, regardless of the situation.

I re-learned what it meant to live out your faith.

I learned that in the end, faith is probably the strongest thing we can have. Even after we screw up the first time, second time, third time, or fifty millionth time, there is still a God out there that will still stand beside us, willing to get us out of our rut or mess. For that’s the God that He is. Even if we can’t see Him in front of us, He’s there. For faith isn’t trusting what we can see in front of us, but rather trusting what we can’t see.

What will 2010 bring us? More hope for the better. Just after seeing everything that’s happened this year, good and bad, there is hope that thing will get better. But in order to do that, we have to live a life not focusing on ourselves but others. If we do that, who knows all the good that can come this year.

Happy new year and may this year bless everyone.

I was on the median just off Exit 32. Cars were speeding by, with no care or concern for the slick roads on the freeway. A new blanket of snow made it difficult to find some items that we were hoping to salvage. As I walked up and down trying to find random items for my friend, I tried to recall what happened the night before on that median, even though the new snow left no trace.

My friend and I were driving back home. As we got closer to the freeway, the roads were becoming more and more devoid of snow. We get onto the onramp when we saw a truck with its trailer parked to the side. So we went around.

But as we start to accelerate just a bit, we started to lose control. The back wheels lost traction and we begin to skid. The back of the car begins to tail and I can see traffic on the other side of the highway in front of me, as well as a truck in the far left lane, missing it it barely. We drive off the freeway and onto the median. Before I know it, I’m turning upside down in my seat, as the car flips over. I could hear glass shatter. Then there is complete silence as the car comes to a halt.

We were just sitting in our seats, upside down for a second. Both of us are yelling each other’s names and checking to see if each other is conscious and okay. Just out of instinct, I’m trying to find a way out of the car. I press the button to roll down the window. I start to crawl out and telling my friend to follow me out. Just as I start to get on my feet, I see people running over us yelling “Are you alright?!” My friend and I both tell them “Yes”. I look back at the vehicle. It’s on its roof, windshield destroyed, tires covered in grass and flat, lights still shining brightly into the ground.

I realize that surviving that accident wasn’t just pure luck. There were so many things going against us for not just one of us, but both of us to have survived. The conditions, the number of cars on that freeway, the lack of control, the way we came into the median, the SUV’s ability to handle such force on a flip, my head injuries from the past and the car landing on its roof. Our odds were against us. I still believe that it wasn’t luck, but rather God looking over both of us.

I know there’s hope. At the accident, my friend and I were just talking, in efforts to continue to remain calm through it all. But this continued thought of “There is a plan for you” kept coming up. Not just at the site, but from all the people I talked to about the accident. It was the recurring thought of the weekend. While many asked “Are you alright?”, the question going through my head was “Do you know where you should be going next in your walk?” I still am unsure of what that plan is for me or for my friend, but I know my job that God’s here in this world is still present and on-going. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be here right now, writing this up, thinking and wondering what is to come. Other thoughts and questions were brought up, but they all seemed to take second precedent to this question.

It’s been at least several days now since that evening. I’ve tried to get back into a rhythm of things, but it’s been difficult. I feel like I’ve constantly off a step compared to everything else around me. Less focus and command. Less confidence in the things I’ve been doing. More fatigue. More frustration. There isn’t anything I can really pinpoint to why this has been happening since the accident. I just know I haven’t been anything close to where I was before, physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually.

But maybe the fact that I haven’t been able to really get settled back to the norm is a good thing… As one friend was talking about it, it was as if I had died in that accident and been “reborn” as someone completely different. A rebirth, you could say. The start of a change or a completely changed life. Maybe that is the case… Maybe it’s just the matter of really searching deep within to find the true answers to my path and God’s will for me. Only patience and seeking Him with all my heart can really answer those questions.

As we drove back to the body shop, I managed to take a look at the vehicle that we had once sat in that fateful night. The windshield was still in ruins. The window that we crawled out of was still down, letting the rain and snow come into the once-nice interior. The roof was bent in towards the driver’s side of the car, while the passenger’s side was relatively intact. I was still in disbelief to how I came out unscathed. We went back to his house and I began what I hope to be the start of a slow revival to my new life. I started it by playing soccer and hanging out with friends and teammates. I played awful and left the field rather flustered by my performance.

But all I can really do was praise Him for all that He has done.

It’s been several days into the Christmas season. And what does that mean? The thing that while we love getting from others, but we also dread finding for them: Gifts. I still wonder where the concept of giving gifts during Christmas comes from, but regardless, it’s there. As I’ve been approaching this and thinking of ideas for my loved ones, it’s been rough thinking something up for each person.

While I’m usually the one that looks for gifts that will be useful and practical for someone, this year, I’ve wanted to go with something that’s more sentimental and cheap and using the rest of the money that would have been spent on gifts to donate to more charitable organizations to use more wisely. Why the change? Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve had more of a changed heart with regards to Christmas. Maybe it’s the fact that my eyes are finally open to the reality of the world around me and the needs that so many people around me need answered. Or maybe it’s the realization of the current events that have made us fearfully aware of the path we’re taking today. Let me explain.

I’ve been reminded a lot over the past few weeks of this constant theme. What is Christmas really about? It’s the season of giving. Sure, that makes sense. But why? It’s because we received the ultimate gift: God brings into this world His one and only son. That son who would eventually grow up to become a man who never sinned, gather a group of ragged men together and teach them how to turn their world right-side up, dine with tax collectors and prostitutes, showing grace and mercy to all, and eventually would die on the cross to forgive us of our sins. It’s hard not to not take a “religious” spin on this, but I can’t see any other way. The fact of the matter is this. We’ve received this amazing gift from Him, yet we’re using it for the wrong things or just keeping it for ourselves.

We know that we have received and been blessed with so many gifts in our lives. Our fame, our wealth, the people in our lives, the love we’ve received. It might seem like we’re struggling financially, but in truth, we’re not. Here’s something to put things in perspective. Earlier this week, I helped pay for a couple of friends and myself for dinner at a local restaurant. The total bill was around $35 (A little over $10 per person). In Vietnam, that one meal of three is almost equivalent to feeding a family of four for several weeks, at the very minimum. When I reminded myself about that, I felt a little sick to my stomach.

While we are concerned that we only have a few hundred dollars in our bank accounts or not sure if we have enough money to buy that iPhone for our loved ones, maybe we need to reconsider how we spend it this holiday season. While we’re “struggling”, it’s nothing compared to that of the rest of this world right now. Maybe it’s time we start sharing that gift that we’ve been blessed with to others that really need it more than ourselves or each other, who are much more well off. We hear a lot about fighting the war on poverty. But as many of us complete agree with the idea and support it, we choose to be complacent and not actually take any action other than just saying “Down with poverty! Yeah…!” Maybe it’s time we actually take a stand against it and do something about it. The Christmas season seems like the perfect time to make that change.

Money has that unfortunate effect that causes us to idolize it and horde it whenever we can. It’s become our false god. Without it, we feel weak, struggle, and live in fear each day. That is the way that society in the U.S. lives. It’s time to change that. To release the grip on our bank accounts and be willing to give some of it away to help others that actually need it. We’ve already received all the love we can ask for in God and those around us. That’s all that we really need. Especially in a time where people feel hopeless and there is no one out there that cares about them, this is the time to show them that there is someone that does love them. To that family in Vietnam that can’t struggling to feed their children… To the orphan in Africa who can’t go to school because of lack of funds…

So as I still work on my Christmas shopping list this year, I’ve been a lot more thrifty. Maybe a little too cheap. But I know that those that those I’m giving gifts to will understand my reasoning in the end. It’s not because I’m trying to save money. It’s because that money is better off spent or given to someone that actually needs it. That is what I’ve come to realize this season: It’s not about the quality of the gifts. It’s not about the amount of money we spend. It’s about making a difference in the lives of others. To love others just as God loves you. That is what Christmas is really about.

Give someone hope. Make a difference in someone’s life.

I admit. I got curious and started wondering about my past a bit. Given the amount of free time that I have in between studying for GREs, soccer, being a part of and serving ministry, and work, I start thinking about it. And usually, when I think, it’s like giving a mad scientist access to a bunch of explosive and dangerous chemicals. Sometimes… things can explode. Thankfully not this time. Instead, it left me a bit more thankful of where it’s brought me today.

It all started when I was driving back with a friend from small group when I was telling him about something that happened nearly three years ago. It was spurred on by a discussion about that evening. Was the specific event life changing? Kind of. Probably not when in comparison to that of everything else that happened around that time. It fascinated me though just because of the decision that was made. Unfortunately, I can’t get into details to protect the parties involved, but let’s say that looking back on it now, it was quite surprising. Maybe borderline bad call at the time. But in the end, that decision did two things: it affected a friendship completely and how it would progress for the next three years… but it also changed someone’s life as well.

That someone was mine…

I guess it was about this time those three years ago when it happened and I kind of laugh at it a bit because we were two completely young, somewhat immature individuals at the time. But when I start looking into it more, I start to wonder about it. Why did she say what they did and do what she did that one late night? She knew the risks outweighed the gains, yet they took it anyway. She took the chance. And because of that decision, it ultimately led me to reevaluate the life I had lived and I committed to a completely new life a couple of months later.

I guess that is where the spiraling effect started to happen. From there, I started to think more about that year in general. It was a year of confusion, frustration, disappointment, and depression. I asked more questions about that year. What would have happened if I hadn’t had the conversations about God and life that I had with some of the people I met during that summer? What would have happened if I didn’t have that serious conversation online with my friend that one summer evening while I was back in Portland about each others’ directions in life? What if I didn’t go watch my friend do her performance that one evening that really put a burden on my heart about my past? What if seeing that friend do some organic chemistry homework spur me to introduce myself to her never happened?

That same friend that I saw doing organic chemistry was ultimately the one that said the same words that had more risks than it did gains. The same words that really changed the way I saw life as I knew it. The decision that could affect our friendship forever.

It all seems like a bit of a jumble of thoughts and questions. To me, it is and still is in my head. I just sit here now, thinking about it. It leads to the big question: What would have happened at any time on that journey that one year if I had chosen any other path than the one that I had taken that one year? Where would I be now?

It leaves me with chills to think about because I don’t think I would be the same as I was today. The people I’ve met because of all this, the amazing experiences and relationships that I’ve been able to build over the course of these three years, the events that I’ve been through, and the love I’ve been able to really see through all of this. All of that not there if I hadn’t gone through the kind of journey I did that one year that I struggled to understand and realize a different kind of life that I could possibly experience.

In hindsight now, maybe that decision wasn’t so bad after all. While the friendship that we had has dramatically changed from that of three years ago, I can only be in thanksgiving for the new life that I got the experience through all this: To be closer to a God that loved me so dearly He was willing to give up His one and only son for me.

I can’t imagine any other life than that. All because of a simple prayer, one decision, and one huge risk.

… I was driving back home from a friend’s house in Kirkland at around 4 am Friday morning. The drive itself left me thinking and frustrated about one of the things I did that day. But as I crossed the 520 bridge into Seattle, I took a look to my right to see a beautiful sight. Along the horizon, there was a sea of colors painted across the morning sky. It was a clash of the former night sky and the morning rise. The dark hues of blue fighting to remain as the lighter shades started to shine brightly. The plane of orange along the horizon prepared the sun for its glorious appearance to the city. As I saw this, I was just in awe. The sky was God’s canvas and all I could think was “That’s a beautiful painting, God. You never fail to amaze me with what you can do and what you’ve done and shown in my life…”

It was a little over two weeks ago when all the conferees at Mt. Hermon began their trek to their homes, with memories and thoughts of God’s game plan in mind. But as I start to reflect on all the amazing moments throughout that last week in June, it reminds me of one thing: It’s all about you, Lord. It’s always about you. When I made the commitment about a month ago to cabin lead at InterHigh, I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I began to have a lot of fears and worries start to take control of me. Will I be able to do this? Will I be able to handle that? Am I going to have to do this alone? I was concerned about my performance and leadership at camp… but that was the wrong mindset. It wasn’t about me first. It was about Christ. It was about God first.

As we walk along in our path in life, we’re walking into an unknown darkness that leaves us, at times, struggling with fear, worry, and temptation. Maybe it’s our grades, our relationships, or our careers. In a society where we’re so focused on individualism, we can easily become engulfed into thinking about ourselves and selfishness. We’re in a world where success is a means to survival and prosperity and instant gratification and sin are a way to personal, but temporary, happiness. These obstacles will always be scattered through our paths. And from there, we can succumb to those things… And it leaves us wondering and asking: where God was to get us out of that rut?

The answer is simple though… He was right behind us the entire time, waiting for us to turn around and call for Him.

During the week, I was reminded of Joshua and the battles he fought to regain Israel. There were a lot of actions that someone might think, “Why the heck am I doing this? Walk around the city this many times and look like a fool? Are you kidding me?” But Joshua didn’t. He wasn’t concerned about himself, he was doing what God told him to do and followed His will. As he did, cities fell, and Israel returned back to the control of his people. It was a matter of trusting God and God would fulfill His promise. He didn’t leave them stranded. Nor will He do the same to us. It’s important for us to get away from those thoughts of our own self-preservation, self-concern, and selfishness and to just say, “Christ, take me. Use me for your kingdom”…

When we say “Jesus isn’t a religion, but a relationship”, it’s exactly what it means. We don’t just go to church and small group every week and just read God’s Word everyday because we have to. It should be because we want to seek out a relationship with Him. Communicating with Him, glorifying Him in our everyday lives… but ultimately trusting Him and seeking His will. There is no relationship without those things in mind. Once we do, those once mountainous obstacles become anthills that we can just step over. It’s a matter of thinking about God and that it’s always putting Him before ourselves. He knows us better than we know ourselves. It reminds me of Psalm 37:3-7. When we commit ourselves to Him first, He will make something of the lives we live and see out our hopeful desires and dreams.

… As I got off the bridge and onto I-5, I thought about how much larger God is than my life. While I focused on myself and my concerns, I was left paranoid, in fear, and frustrated. But as I started to put more trust in Him, things started to work out and I could really start to see the works in His kingdom. As I thought about what I did that day, I realized the selfishness and the sin I committed towards my friend that day. I needed to look to Him to help me through the realization that I now had to deal with. While I was not happy with what I have on my hands now, I know that He loves me and He will provide for my needs. Rather than try to paint my own picture, I allow God to use me as His canvas to paint a picture of His love, His glory, and will for me for everyone else to see.

As I passed the UW exit, I looked up and I saw a cross shining brightly over the highway off the Calvary building. I smiled with a sense of relief. It was just another reminder of all the things He’s done for all of us and just how amazing a God He is.

The past year has been frustrating to say the least. There have been some bright spots, but for the most part, it had taken its toll on me. I’ve tried to maintain a positive attitude despite the problems that have risen and the events that affected me. The three concussions in the past year forcing me to quit a game I’ve loved to play for the past few years… all the job rejections that I’ve had to deal with… the relationships that I’ve cherished so much have started to fade away… my mental health slowly deteriorating due to my head injuries… my inability to work out my relationship with one of my best friends… and much more.

Over the past couple of weeks, these things started to overwhelm me. And in doing so, emotions started to flare a bit more. I started to get a lot more upset and more apathetic about things. My mind kept thinking “Screw going to church and the retreat. This job hunt is pointless. My degree was just a waste of thousands of dollars. There’s no point in staying in Seattle anymore.” I just surrounded myself with negativity and tried to verify my current situation with blame and anger. While I didn’t show it in public, I was constantly fuming. Negativity just swarmed my thoughts frequently. I started returning back to my old ways, becoming ticked off at life and isolating myself from everyone else whenever possible.

Then I was reminded of how selfish I started to become again…

Thoughts flooded my mind of the current state of the world and all the tragedies that have been occurring over the past few weeks: The hundred thousand people in Myanmar that have lost their lives, and the many more that have lost their homes, loved ones, and much more due to the cyclone. The ten thousand that died due to the earthquake in China in the past few days. It wasn’t just that, but other events as well: The genocides in Darfur, the HIV virus epidemic, the war in Iraq, and the struggles going on in Israel, the homeless that are across the US. So many of these events came up and forced me to think about my life right now… and how fortunate I should feel.

I’d become unthankful despite what God’s provided for me throughout my life. He provided me a place where I can live, a family that loves me for who I am despite my downfalls and struggles, a great group of friends that care about me and help me get back on my feet when I fall, two great roommates and a best friend that listen, give me advice and help me through the tough times. And ultimately the love that He alone provides me through the best of times and the worst of times. I had forgotten everything He’s done for me that it left me feeling broken and asking His forgiveness for what I had done. The fact of the matter is I could have be somewhere else in this world right now, struggling and suffering much, much more. What I have to deal with is nothing compared to what many in this world have to deal with.

All that I can do is be thankful for how good of a life that I’ve been given. For me to wallow in such self-centered thoughts and be frustrated about my future was not the kind of person that He asked me to be. It’s to use my resources and gifts that I have to provide to those that are in need for this world. And to be thankful for how amazing a situation I am in right now. God gave me a reality check and a swift kick in the… Well, you can pretty much finish this sentence. It’s what I needed to realize how good I have it right now.