I was struggling to sleep, so I started to just look up random websites on my laptop. There’s a website that a buddy of mine showed me a while back called “The Wilderness Downtown”. The design and concept was pretty stunning. It was to a song by Arcade Fire called, “We Used to Wait”. As you interacted with the site, you were given an opportunity to send a postcard to your past self, typing whatever you wanted. I decided to play along and thought about what I should write. I looked back on the past couple of years and thought about what I would write to my past self…
I knew that 2011 was going to be a life-changing year. I thought I had my path planned out. Get an internship, graduate, get a job, get the girl, and figure out where to go from there. But as the days and months progressed, none of that happened. I’d get interview after interview, followed by rejection after rejection. It left me short of graduating and finishing my degree. Things unraveled with the girl. The only thing that did happen was trying to figuring out where to go from here.
All that was going through my head was doubt, questions, and anger. I kept asking myself, “What did I do wrong? What could I have I done better?” These thoughts just invaded my mind and thoughts. Even the things I enjoyed doing were an absolute struggle to do because of my lack of confidence. It just further built up my frustration, as I felt I couldn’t do anything right. That October, I dislocated and fractured my knee playing soccer. It was a reflection of the emotions and thoughts that had been running through me. My lack of confidence and doubt made me lose the ball. It made me frustrated and angry. And at the end of it all, I was on the ground, in pain and agony and unable to get back on my feet.
Unable to walk properly, unemployed, single again, lacking any sort of confidence… I had reached a low point in my life.
Something someone brought up to me was, “When things go wrong, who do you turn to first?” It took some time, I basically had a revival of my faith in Him because of this question. I realized I couldn’t blame God for everything that happened. To be honest, I didn’t even fit Him into my plan. I figured I could have just went about this myself and work it out on my own. But in reality, I couldn’t. Unfortunately, it took breaking me mentally, emotionally, and physically to realize that I still needed Jesus again and needed to turn to Him first.
Looking back on this past year, things have been radically different. My perspective on things are different because of Jesus. Having faith in His plan has given way to a lot of opportunities. Yet at the same time, I don’t react the same way when things go awry or not as I had hoped. While I do slip every so often, I haven’t let doubt completely sink back into my thoughts like I did in the past. It’s hard to question or doubt something when God is right there in hand, leading the way for you. I know that even if I do slip, I just have to turn to Jesus, repent, and trust in Him again. I know everything will be alright. And it’s all because of Him and His plan for me.
As I sat there at my computer, thinking about what I should write to my past self, a verse popped into my head. It summed up everything I had learned in the past two years.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)
That should give my past self hope for the future.