Questioning the Past

I admit. I got curious and started wondering about my past a bit. Given the amount of free time that I have in between studying for GREs, soccer, being a part of and serving ministry, and work, I start thinking about it. And usually, when I think, it’s like giving a mad scientist access to a bunch of explosive and dangerous chemicals. Sometimes… things can explode. Thankfully not this time. Instead, it left me a bit more thankful of where it’s brought me today.

It all started when I was driving back with a friend from small group when I was telling him about something that happened nearly three years ago. It was spurred on by a discussion about that evening. Was the specific event life changing? Kind of. Probably not when in comparison to that of everything else that happened around that time. It fascinated me though just because of the decision that was made. Unfortunately, I can’t get into details to protect the parties involved, but let’s say that looking back on it now, it was quite surprising. Maybe borderline bad call at the time. But in the end, that decision did two things: it affected a friendship completely and how it would progress for the next three years… but it also changed someone’s life as well.

That someone was mine…

I guess it was about this time those three years ago when it happened and I kind of laugh at it a bit because we were two completely young, somewhat immature individuals at the time. But when I start looking into it more, I start to wonder about it. Why did she say what they did and do what she did that one late night? She knew the risks outweighed the gains, yet they took it anyway. She took the chance. And because of that decision, it ultimately led me to reevaluate the life I had lived and I committed to a completely new life a couple of months later.

I guess that is where the spiraling effect started to happen. From there, I started to think more about that year in general. It was a year of confusion, frustration, disappointment, and depression. I asked more questions about that year. What would have happened if I hadn’t had the conversations about God and life that I had with some of the people I met during that summer? What would have happened if I didn’t have that serious conversation online with my friend that one summer evening while I was back in Portland about each others’ directions in life? What if I didn’t go watch my friend do her performance that one evening that really put a burden on my heart about my past? What if seeing that friend do some organic chemistry homework spur me to introduce myself to her never happened?

That same friend that I saw doing organic chemistry was ultimately the one that said the same words that had more risks than it did gains. The same words that really changed the way I saw life as I knew it. The decision that could affect our friendship forever.

It all seems like a bit of a jumble of thoughts and questions. To me, it is and still is in my head. I just sit here now, thinking about it. It leads to the big question: What would have happened at any time on that journey that one year if I had chosen any other path than the one that I had taken that one year? Where would I be now?

It leaves me with chills to think about because I don’t think I would be the same as I was today. The people I’ve met because of all this, the amazing experiences and relationships that I’ve been able to build over the course of these three years, the events that I’ve been through, and the love I’ve been able to really see through all of this. All of that not there if I hadn’t gone through the kind of journey I did that one year that I struggled to understand and realize a different kind of life that I could possibly experience.

In hindsight now, maybe that decision wasn’t so bad after all. While the friendship that we had has dramatically changed from that of three years ago, I can only be in thanksgiving for the new life that I got the experience through all this: To be closer to a God that loved me so dearly He was willing to give up His one and only son for me.

I can’t imagine any other life than that. All because of a simple prayer, one decision, and one huge risk.

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